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Alicia

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August 20th, 2009

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been to long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime.
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too.

*******************
It was the first snow of the season
I can almost see you breathing in the middle of that empty street
Sometimes I still see myself in that lonesome bedroom
Playing my guitar and singing songs of hope for a better future

Life is Only As good as the memories we make
And i'm taking back what belongs to me

Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of rememberence are just like shipwrecks
Only theyre gone faster than the smell after it rains

Last night while everyone was sleeping
I drove through my old neighborhood
And resurrected memories from ashes

We said that we would never fit in
When we were really just like them
Does rebellion ever make a difference?

Life is only As good as the memories we make
And im taking back what belongs to me
Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of remembrence are just like shipwrecks
Only theyre gone faster than the smell after it rains

So long Astoria I found a map to buried treasure
And even if we come home empty handed we'll still have our
stories of battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones and all the best of friendships

And when this hourglass has filtered out its final grain of sand
I raise my glass to the memories we had

This is my wish and I'm takin back i'm takin them all back.
***********************
Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down

'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't start
*************
Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know

[bridge]
That this single bed
Was always meant for two
Not just anyone
It was meant for me and you

[chorus]
And now you’re halfway around the world
And I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind

I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know
**********************8
I made a habit
Of never making promises
That aren't easy to keep
And there you have it
But now I'm making one that is
To keep you here with me

Cause every second that goes by
I feel is just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying
To hold it all together and
And make it through the day
When I'm just dying
To drop it all and take your hand
So we can run away

From all the miles and the hours
That seem to endlessly devour
The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm literally dying without you here

And every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm dying without you here
Ya every second that goes by
(Ya every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever want to be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

July 5th, 2009

Ataris

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Lately I've been feeling
a little bit neglected.
When it comes to your ex-boyfriends,
well, I guess I'm overprotective.
But it's nothing personal
I just wanted you to tell me that you
care.

Lately I've been thinking bout'
stickin' my head in a toaster.
I never asked to take a ride
on this emotional roller-coaster
It's you that I want,
and lately it feels like you're not there.

Lately I've been contemplating
jumping in the ocean.
Sometimes even Spock would show
a little more emotion!
Do you still love me now
as much as you loved me yesterday?

Chorus:
I try to let it out...
I bitch, I cry, moan, whine, scream and
shout today,
but the wall wouldn't listen to me!
Why wouldn't it listen to me?
I'm sick of always cryin'
I don't wanna be sick of trying,
but you've gotta want me too.

Lately I've been hoping for
a little bit of affection.
Sometimes I wish that you had came
with your own set of directions.
I guess it's not that easy,
but I hope that you still love me anyway

Lately I've been thinkin' bout'
takin' a vow of silence.
I've never seen a monk result
in any acts of violence.
Or, maybe I'll just cry
and hope you come around again today.

Let's Go!

Chorus:
I try to let it out...
I bitch, I cry, moan, whine, scream and
shout today,
but the wall wouldn't listen to me!
Why wouldn't it listen to me?
I'm sick of always cryin'
I don't wanna be sick of trying,
but you've gotta want me too.

March 26th, 2009

life

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spring break week
Thursday:Amherst
Friday:back from Amherst and went to CT with Jamie for hottub, pizza, lazertag, winning tons of tickets by getting lots of jackpots on arcade shit. twas pretty awesome
Saturday:Heathers 30th birthday party! drank at the skellig and Roberts with the cuzes, had a blast!
Sunday:Something Incredibly
Monday:Fun was done
Tuesday:on all these days
Wensenday:im just hazey on
Thursday:what happened
Friday:when ******
Saturday:Kitty's 20th Birthday Party!!!!
Sunday:
This past Saturday after work me and jamie went to my grandparents 50th anaversary at Unos and had good food and played around with my little brother and then we went to my cousin Gabi's First birthday party up in Lunenburg which was a good time. It was fun smoking and playing rock band with all my cousins.

****
Going to hooka bar with Kitty and Avi and some of his friends and then meeting blake and whitney there and having lots of fun! I love going to the hooka bar, i wish it was closer b\c they are starting to do breakfast and i would go there like every day if they were close.

Also me and Jamie went on a Wicked cute date to jordans furniture in Reading and we walked around and ate at Fudruckers and went and saw Watchmen which was amazing!!!!! I loved it so much i thought it was so well done. Lots of big blue penis i mean come on who wouldnt like that? we had a good time it was very nice. Almost been one year and i still find myself feeling crazyier and crazyier about him by the day. expecially the week of spring break it was truely amazing and i had such a good time getting to spend almost every morning with him. Oh and we decided that we are probably going to get a hooka together for our one year. im sooooooo excited!!!!!!Ive wanted a hooka for so long and i feel like that is just the reason i need to actually get one. Also summer is coming hopefully soon and i would like to be able to lay in the grass and smoke hooka all day. Ive also decided on an incredably romantic thing to do on the day of our one year if it is good weather.

Saint Patricks Day me and jamie and kitty went to bryans house and drank some wicked cool beer as always at bryans. It was a good night but we were all really tired so it ended slightly early. But it was wicked fun.
*************

In other news... me and Alexa (and who ever else would like to help) are writting a movie about the atrium mall. it will be 10 times better than mall cop or anything, it will be more mall rats style.

And speaking of atrium, toady is sergi's last day. I cant beliebe it and i am anxious to know what the new guy will be like.

Also the other day i really spranned my anckel wicked bad and im walking like i am 80 years old which is annyoing though funny to everyone else around me.

well there is plenty more to write about and i know i have left a few things out but i will return to finish them. I am at work right now in the midst of a mailing which is incredably dull and time consuming and i just want to go on break already. so ta ta for now i shall be back and i hope you all have a good day.

March 3rd, 2009

lots of lyrics

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The Wallflowers lyrics - One Headlight
album: Bringing Down the Horse (1996)

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well, they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
With the long broken arm of human law
Now, it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered why she hung around this place

(CHORUS)
Hey...
Come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all is good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end, it's just her window ledge

(CHORUS)

Well, this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well, it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think your death, it must be killin' me...

Hey, hey, hey
Come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

********************************


she said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give
and I'm a little bit angry, well

this ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around
you don't own me, we might change it
yeah we just might feel good

(CHORUS)
I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

she said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
and I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
you couldn't stand to be near me
when my face don't seem to want to shine
cuz it's a little bit dirty, well

don't just stand there, say nice things to me
cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged, but you
you don't know me, yeah, well I can't change
Well, I won't do anything at all

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

oh but don't bowl me over
just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby, baby

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah
I wanna take you, take you, yeah, well I will
I will, I will, I will, yeah
I will, I will, I will, yeah yeah
push you around, and drag you down
I wanna push you around
Well I will
******

I'm running out of reasons for caring about the other half
I think my half wants a little more pride
I'm running out of reasons for sharing sometimes I can't think of one
I'm running out of faces that I can call familiar
Hey man I'm running out of friends
That I can call at all
How long have I been sleeping, why the hell am I awake
It seems just to stand here is overkill
If I bend any farther, I swear that I'll break
And I think you should let me
It all seems so perfect, yet
Some people, some people get lonely
Some people they just grow older, and scared of a little pain
And we people, we cause a commotion
We didn't mean to be confused, we didn't mean to be alive
And we don't want to be standing here, standing here
How long have we been sleeping, why the hell are we awake
It seems just to stand here is overkill
If I bend any farther, I swear that I'll break
(chorus)
We ask, and we burn what we hear, on the water
And we speak, we burn what we say
But if you hold the rain
It's just a little further
Don't wanna scare you
Don't be unhappy
This is not a lovesong
This is not a lovesong
(chorus)
*****

October 31st, 2008

(no subject)

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Everything Anyone Ever Wanted To Know About You

The Basic Stuff
Name?: Alicia
Age?: 20
Height?: 5'7
Weight?: why would i tell you that?
Birthday?: dec.27 1987
Birthplace?: Newton MA
Current Location?: ditto
School/Grade?: FSC
Zodiac Sign?: Cap
Chinese Zodiac Sign?: not sure
Righty or Lefty?: Righty
Haircolor?: Dark Brown
Eyecolor?: Hazel
Skin Color?: White
About You
Any Pets?: Yup
If So What Are They?: Dog
Favorite Relative?: I love them all
Least Favorite Relative?: Not saying
Political Affilation?: Democrate?
Love & Sex
Sexuality?: Bi
Are You In A Relationship Now?: YUP <3
If So, With Whom?: Jamie.... <3<3<3
For How Long?: 6 months today!!!!
Are You In Love?: i'd like to think so
Do You Have A Crush On Anyone?: nope
Ever Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?: yup
How Old Were You When You Had Your First Kiss?: 14?
Virgin?: nope
Where Do You Most Like To Be Kissed?: cheek
Best Love Quote?: "i love you"-jamie
Your Friends
Best?: Alexa,Taylor
How Many Do You Have?: lots
More Guys Or Girls?: about =
Love Them All?: more than they could ever know
Any You Wish You Were Closer To?: all of them
Oldest?: Taylor
Newest?: Jenna
Pen Pal?: not at the moment
Friends And Words: Associate Them
Pen: this
Flower: is
Pink: lame
Window: not
Heart: doing
Mother: it
Bread:
Insane:
Sunglasses:
Pimp:
Cross:
Lonely:
Car:
Music:
This Or That
Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
Shorts or Pants?: shorts
Shoes or Barefeet?: depends
Books or Movies?: movies
Night or Day?: day
Dark or Light?: depends
Mountains or Beach?: beach
Snow or Sun?: sun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pepsi or Coke?: pepsi
Guys or Girls?: both
Swim or Surf?: swim
For or Against
Gay Marriage?: for
Abortion?: if you dont like it dont get one
Suicide?: depends
War?: nope
Pants?: depends
Clothes In General?: ditto
Favorites
Color?: Blue
Number?: 37
Holiday?: easter
Season?: Spring\early fall
Movie?: superbad? idk i love lots of movies
Book?: Enders Game i guess
Magazine?: gossip
Food?: mashed potatos\breakfast food
Drink?: sunny delight?
TV Show?: NCIS!
Song?: TO MANY
Band?: Alkaline Trio
Computer Game?: Sims
Video Game?: GTA
Anime/Manga?: idk
Shirt?: darkwing duck
Pants?: levi jeans
Actor?: bruise willis
Actress?: rachel mcadams
Singer?: idk
Flower?: fire roses? i love all flowers
Scent?: apple pie
Animal?: hmmm still in debate
Cookie?: chocolate chip
The Future
Want To Go To College?: been there
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: creative
Want To Get Married?: yes
Want To Have Kids?: yes
What Would Their Names Be?: not saying
How Many?: not sure
Where Do You Want To Live?: MA
Where Do You Want To Get Married?: idk
How Do You Want To Die?: peacefully
More Stuff About You
Piercings?: ears
Tattoos?: not yet
Smoke?: yes
Drink?: once in a while
Skinny Dip?: once
Greatest Fear?: not saying
Chocolate or Vanilla?: chocolate
Go To Church?: no
Religion?: Jew?
Scars?: a few
CDs Owned?: lots
Collections?: stamps?
Like To Be Naked?: if a certin someone is there
Ever Eaten Sushi?: nope
An Entire Case Of Oreos?: no
Been On Stage?: yes
Danced In The Rain?: yes
Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex?: no
Weirdest Dream?: idk
Best Dream?: my house
Saddest Dream?: what i had when i was a kid
Dream You Most Wish Would Come True?: not saying
Shoplifted?: yes
Weirdest Makeout Place?: not saying
Like Thunderstorms?: yes
Favorite Shoes?: sneakers
Favorite Quote?: "in the end everythings ok and if it isnt than its not the end"
Best Advice Given?: idk
Worst Advice Given?: idk
Favorite Song Lyric?: idk
What Quote Says Most About Your Life?: idk
Glad This Is Over?: yes

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October 27th, 2008

(no subject)

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well its been a while since ive been here... lots of fun stuff has happened. went to maine with kitty, alexa and bryan that was pretty awesome. HRAC is good, im gonna make some posters for the meeting when we are in the CC should be fun but i should talk to jamie about what exactly i should put on them.. i was just watching that show on tlc where those christan people have 18 kids and none of them will hold hands with someone untill they are engagged it's really amusing. god im really hungry which is good b\c i havent been really hungry in days ugh. anyways so since friday morning my mind has been on explosive overdrive. not sure if its just me being me or am i a psychopath or maybe have some sort of weird medical disorder house type shit. i just typed this instead of shit... must be more tired than i know. all i know is that it makes me really not want to be around people right now b\c i want to figure things out and i dont really talk with other people about this shit b\c all it is is something to keep me up at night. i just wish i could not be such a fuckup, i wish i had more things in my life under control or the strength to feel like i could move towards that in a reasonable amount of time, but that would mean having self control and that really is not one of my strong points. though i know i can do it if i tried b\c i totally studied my ass off for my midterm and i believe i only got 3 questions wrong. im just worried about when i hit a class thats harder and requires real work or paper writting b\c i cant do that for my life. i think what really frustrates me is that i cant even bring myself to make enough of something i make to sell it and make some money which is what i would like to do. god i hate my head and the fucked up shit that likes to roam around in it. right now i feel like i cant live with myself and wonder how i do. i wonder how long it will take to make this feeling go away, maybe i shouldnt make it go away maybe i should just fix something for once... i dont understand how people do it, how people resist. maybe i should go soul searching. sit in the woods for a few hours on a rock and maybe make a plan.. damn this being lazy! and i hate this complete paranoia b\c it just makes me so self conious of every breath i take that i dont want to take anymore. anyways i still need to find a dentist, another thing i am lazy about mostly b\c of fear. i guess that fear really is my biggest problem it really does keep me from doing so many things, so many everyday things that everyone else seems to have no problem with. ugh this whole writting about my feelings thing is getting me more worked up than i really want to be b\c i really just want to go to sleep and make this week be over with and listen to jamie tell me he loves me and love him back the best i can. i need to buy some little weights b\c i decided i was tired of armflab. random. anyways i really love jamie so much. 3 days till we have been dating for 6 months!!!!!!! wooohooo! i dont know what i would do w\o him and right now im thinking about how im dying to have him here b\c this horrible ache would not be as bad if he were presant and i would most likly be fast asleep. and if i wasnt it wouldnt be b\c i couldnt sleep b\c im losing my mind it would probably be from not being able to keep my hands to myself, which recently im not sure he has been liking as much as i would like him to but idk... could just be the paranoia. i would text him right now if i thought that he wasnt sleeping also and if i thought it would do any good or that i could actually explain the shit spinning around my head but sadly this is the closest i could\have ever come to explaining saying the words outloud would kill me. ugh so anyways i went out to dinner with alexa and jamie tonight which was lots of fun! been a long time since ive done that and im sad that we blanked on calling bryan to come b\c i really miss going there with alexa and bryan. ugh i really want to stop thinking about any relationships i have with anyone right now b\c it is really messing with my head. i really dont know what to do.

September 26th, 2008

blahmurgmehwahickblah

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hmmmm well i have been meaning to write here for weeks now. but it has been one of the things i havent been able to bring myself to do untill now. and now b\c there are so many more things i cant bring myself to be doing right now so maybe this will help me figure out exactly why that is. ugh even sitting here trying to write this i just keeps staring at it and being like ugh i cant do this. but ok im gonna try and start from the beginning..

i now take a history class at fsc, western civ since the renessance.. and i kinda made a friend but the second class i kinda got ditched b\c there was a girl she knew in the class, and she kinda annoys me and i came right at the start of class so there was no seat next to them but w\e. class is really good. incredably easy... and i mean it. which i guess is ok for my first class back but i do wish it was just slightly more challenging... (wow never thought id say that)anyways so yeah its good but i didnt go last week so i need to get the notes from angie which will give me another chance to talk to her which will be cool.

anyways so last week i didnt go to class. there was just to much pressure and to much to do and to many bad thoughts and way to much traffic. ended up chilling with bryan in stead. that was cool. but i was disapointed in myself for not going to class b\c i really do like going there its pretty awesome. but recently ive just been falling into this weird ass depression which is keeping me from doing alot of the things that i need to be doing, such as cleaning my room\doing laundry ive needed to do it for a while now but i just cant. also cleaning my car. and bothering to wear anything but jeans and t-shirts, along with shaving. these are all stupid little things that i really need to do but i just sit there and stare at them and just cnat bring myself to get up. so instead what ive been trying to do is just stay in bed as much as possible and watch tv. also ive been having crazy crazy crazy ass dreams every night like my head is trying despratly to figure things out but everynight there just seems to be more. i think i get my insurance back on the 1st and so i can get back onto my anticrazy pills which will be a big relief hopefully. maybe it will stop the almost constant crying over something or other. but i almost want to blame that on the fact that it was that time again and maybe im moody?? ugh there is justin brb

so justin just left, he spent like 10 minutes up here with me making sarcastic comments and shit. maybe i should stop doing that but he never really seems to care. i got paid today!!! yey!! though idk why i care it all goes to bills anyways. though yesterday i took my new creditcard and bought myself 2 toys, one was a peice b\c i smashed mine that morning on the brick when i forgot it was in my lap. that kinda sucked b\ci really liked that one but i mean its all good really the one i got is pretty cool to it has a froggie on it and looks amazing when it fills with smoke. yesterday was really relaxing morning. something i had def been needing but wishing i could have been sitting out front while waiting for someone but meh maybe that can come back on break.

so i have been debating about where i want my life to go. ive finally figured out that i just want to do something where i can be creative everyday all day pref. and i think i would like to go into design of anything(partys, rooms, houses, offices, logos, websites, ect) and just be really freelance anything creative. so i decided that i need to go back to school to probably get a degree in design and maybe dubble minor in buisness and fashion. who would have ever thought i would be one of those fashion chicks.... ick. anyways so as for a job i had been debating between staying at atrium and trying to go to school full time prob at massbay next semester or finding a job as a secratrey in a perfect world with someone who does something design related but it can really be anywhere and doing 2 night classes a semester which i decided would be the better rt as to not feel completly overwhelmed and fail again and shit. the only thing is 1. how the hell do i go about finding design firms 2. this prob means i have to stop smoking pot for a few weeks so i can pass drug tests if need be. but this is really all being put on hold b\c i cant even do my laundry never mind really fucking try to make a major improvement in my life.

ok i think this is long enough and i want to go play solitare and daydream or something. i mean really go do anything that will make it so i can get the fuck out of here and go home. there is more that i need to write but i'll save that for another time..
peace

September 10th, 2008

Belgium

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Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know

[bridge]
That this single bed
Was always meant for two
Not just anyone
It was meant for me and you

[chorus]
And now you’re halfway around the world
And I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind

I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know

August 21st, 2008

well things have been really really fun the past few days. lets start where my other entry took off... woth smoothie planet. well after we went there on the way home we had a really good talk and it was nice... he loves me who knew??? lol. anyways sooo the next day we had imagenary sex twice(not quite as good as real sex, but def not bad lol) then we went on " an icecream adventure" i.e. we were going to drive around and find a nice little icecream place but it was late and they were prob all closing so we settled on going to a friendlys we dont normally go to. ate icecream on my car and snuggled. then i took him to crystal lake and we sat and talked and cuddled some more and these teens who were totally coming to smoke a joint like walk right past us and didnt know we were there and one of them went to pee like next to us so i just started laughing and she finally noticed us and went back to wisper to her friends that we were there even though they were like literally 7ft away from us and it was stupid. then the cops drove by and we just made out untill they went away which was fun. but yeah once again we had a really really good talk and it was so nice. if i wasnt in love with him before there would be no way not to be at this point. anyways it gets better. next day i went to pick him up and we hung out at his house for a while and had a good time. then we went back to my house and had more of a good time, ate bagles mmmmmmmmmm bagels. spent the whole day in bed. oh and made a kick ass tent which i am so excited to do dirty things in it's not even funny. anyways when we finally said we cant be in bed anylonger we went to mcdonalds and got some food and i took him to the top of the parkinggarage where i had had my party and we ate food and watched the sunset and i got him to dance and it was amazing and there was a cloud that looked exactly like a heart and was bright pink from the sunset and it was so amazing, i wanted to take a picture but i decided that i would prob always remember it and it is probably better that way. so yeah then like i said we danced and then spred out a blanket and watched the sun finish setting and then yet again danced a bit more. though i think the combo of dancing and crappy food made me not feel to well by the end of the night but that was fine. then we went to alexa's house and smoked (well i did, he was a good boy and didnt, im really proud of him) and we all sat around and talked and played videogames. tons of fun!

so yeah that has been the past few days and they're amazingnesss. this weekend we will prob go see the starwars movie. which should be ok.
also other things that i really need to do...
go to fsc with mommy to do shit
clean my room
call kitty
call other variouos friends before it's to late and im pissed at myself.
dont get discouraged
go to dads
make cd's
go to ac moore\savors
get drunk
eat good food
go to the beach
go toNH
got to maine
do yoga before my back dies
take care of myself
bake something pref cupcakes but settle for brownies
love jamie


ok im gonna go play solitare it only took me an hour to load...
peace

August 19th, 2008

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I am heaven sent.
Don’t you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told, I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars,
I am the cause to all your problems.
Shelter from cold.
We are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth,
Then ask me what its like to have my self so figured out.
Wish I knew.

I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are,
With whoever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore.
Hope you come down with something they can’t diagnose,
Don’t have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge,
Oh it’s so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard,
Cause you can’t keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe... in us.

Oh we're so c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue’s the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart.
And it’s all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe... in us.

This is the grace only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend.
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you’re alone.
This is the rise and the fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe... in us.

well i went to fsc today, they told me i either need to re apply or i can take the night classes, i really want to be a real student there but i really dont want to have to re apply. i honestly dont think they would take me back. but i cant say i blame them. i just want to cry, in fact i did, and it was annoying. if i hadn't had Jamie there i think i would have just completely lost it. i love him, but anyways. recently i just dont know whats wrong with me. i think im fine i feel basically fine there is nothing for me to not feel good about really but i keep doing things that yell im not ok and so im just confused and thinking my body is fucking plotting against me and idk why.but the past few days ive just felt this intense craving for something but have no idea what it is and i know once i figure it out i'll be fine but it's figuring it out thats the problem. ive been trying to sit and look threw my special stuff as some sort of past soul search that i feel maybe will help but i wont know untill i do it and there are a million things i really would like to be doing right now but when ever i get the time to do them ive found myself just to depressed to really deal with it.which makes it worse. i just want my fucking insurance back so i can get back on not crazy pills b\c that could be a big part of it. but hone as of recently my relationships with the people in my life have finally become almost really good and almost well balanced, expecially with my family. so speaking of well balanced i think i need to start not bugging jamie as much about things. idk i just feel like a cunt. this weekend shit went down between us but i think it's fine now. i was just jealous of the convention i think, and im a bitch and let it get the best of me. but w\e we spent the day together today and had fun which was cool, he took me for bagels and i took him for a smoothie, oh and planet smoothie isnt as planet smoothieish really it's just a cover for weird ass shit, but from the few sips i stole it was pretty good i guess. so yeah idk the past few days ive just been really down on myself about myself and i just wish i had something that would either just get me off my ass or shoot me or just tell me that im crazy and all the shit in my head is bullshit. oh speaking of bullshit work is being that right now. barg! i want more brownie, even though they are undercooked. maybe i'll make icecream brownie sundaes or something tomorrow b\c jamie said that would be good and i cant help but agree. oh and we got bagels to bring home today so im totally making some tomorrow morning to bring to work! mmmmmmm soooooo ggoooooodddddddd!!!!! ok here are more lyrics for you. peace out yo.


I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared too
For some reason right now, of everything but you
Right now you're all that I recognize
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

You know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold
Kiss me once in the snow, I swear it never gets old
And I will promise you I can make it warmer next year
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I stay here, and everyday I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on
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