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Alicia

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August 5th, 2008

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

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Well i officially have the best BF in the whole world!

let me expain, starting from about a day ago...

well we got in this weird fight thing, and ever since then he has been so incredably loving in the exact way i want him to be loving. saying the right things at the right time. absolutely perfect to be exact. and he brought me coffee that he had made which is the best coffee ever which i hadn't had in a while and it was just so sweet. and today he came over and we had our fun and then he was all i have a gift for you... and then gave me the most perfect ring ever, it's a calladah ring with a blue topaz stone and it is better than what i had wanted and much earlier than i had expected it and it was actually made in Ireland and it totally had a energy force to it which is just wow.and gave me this incredibly loving and heartfelt speech and then proceeded to say and do more perfect things.which just completely melted my heart, and really put some faith in me.he gave me back that bit of trust and beauty that our relationship had lost for a moment. but now i just feel loved like ive never been loved before and i really just wanted to tell him that all day long, he makes me want to be better and thats awesome and something amazing and no matter what just always wanting to do the same for him. god soo gay but it feels oh so very good. then we went out for bagels for lunch (which were better than sex, which is saying something) and we stopped in to see Rodrigo and he got us free coffee and the lady at the counter was like ummm do you want decaf... and i was like ummm why would i want that? and she was like.. b\c your pregnant...??? and i was like WTF MAN THATS NOT COOL! but it was really funny, and everyone got a good tease out of it. especially jamie of course which was cute that he handled it in stride. then we ate with Rodrigo which was also amazing.. it was so nice to see him and catch up. i missed him so much!!! and then we went to drive alexa to work which was awesome b\c i had been thinking about her and needing to see her and talk about things and so driving her was nice even if it was to boston. and then we went home and got hassled by markie about shit which was meh and then we went and saw batman finally!!!! but my car battery died right before we were gonna leave and it was just more of a bitch than anything. but we made it and it was a wicked good movie but just combined with everything else it made me kinda sad but totally worth it. also there were a million cops out tonight, very strange.

so yeah never been so in love before and it really is amazing.
im gonna go stare at my ring some more... doubt i'll be doing anything else for a while to come.

peace

July 24th, 2008

Life Update

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well... not to much has been going on in my life but just enough to write about.

well lets start with the first thing that has been pulling on my mind, soo a few weeks ago Jamies ex started working at his store again, and he didnt tell me. Not only did he not tell me but he purposely kept it from me, and not just for a few days or something but weeks and pretty much flawlessly at that. and that is why this is pulling on my mind, i wouldnt have given it a second thought if he had told me in a perfect world when he found out himself, but even when she actually started would have been good. also it made a total hypocrite out of him, do you know how much he would be freaking out right now if i did this to him? and just the way he acted about the whole thing when i confronted him about it was just entirely to sketchy and guilty boyfriendness which is what hurt i think, the fact that from the first second this started he has just been continueously on ive been a bad bf mode (sucking up and being cute more than normal, bringing me a flower, ect. not that it hasnt been nice)i think what im trying to say is that his actions are making me be like wow this was such a bigger deal than i had ever thought it would have been and wtf, or something.and he asked wheather or not i trusted him still and i told him i did, and i do, but i was wrong it has been harder to really trust him and i think that is what is driving me nuts b\c i really dont want to not trust him.

anyways....

been working a bit more, gonna be working pretty much full time starting next month for a few months. should be cool help get me the fuck out of debt and maybe make me feel like i can leave the house again.

thats another thing. so ive barely left my house recently, have barely any urge\want to drive anywhere, as a result ive basically been trying to get jamie to drive my car everywhere, been letting him take it home with him a few nights a week. i mean yes i was crazy about driving for so long but it's just to much stress now and i just cant bring myself to enjoy it or want to do it. expecially with all the rain recently.

got a new tv and already almost broke it. im good like that..

the past few days have been very very good for personal growth. i feel like i have been thinking very constructively recently and really accepting alot of things about myself and trying to improve other things. ive really been thinking about what people mean to me and how i can show them that and how much i just want to go and hug them and tell them that. i even decided to make my dad a really gay cd b\c he deserves it or something... im honestly starting to be kinda happy with myself. jamie has really brought back out this softer side to me that i had really missed. i just wish i wasnt poor and could go do all the things that i want to do for people.. and thats the thing if i cant do what i want to do with people i feel like it's been hard for me to go out and see them. i dont want to be a bitch and put limits on things and have to worry about things and it's all been just to stressful recently. thats why i cant wait untill i start working full time and can finally actually start paying off some shit and having some money to spend and life being ok again. though not to say it hasnt been nice hiding in my house. after doing sooo much and being out so often its nice to just sit at home for a while. expecially with jamie b\c we just have so much fun together doing it, he really does just fit me really well and just always makes me so happy i can never get enough.

another thing on personal growth, i really really wanna go back to fsc this fall, prob only for one class b\c i'll be working till 4 everyday for the first 2 months of the semester but i feel like that is def ok and a good way to get back into it. jamie also showed me this class called drug addiction that is in the perfect timeslot and i thought that was really cool and i want to take it. it honestly would be really good to be back at fsc, i feel like last time i just wasnt ready for it and it was the wrong situation but now things have changed and ive really grown and it might be time to go back. fucking scary, well anyways this is all based on my ability to either a)get jamie to show me how to log onto the website you can registar for classes on and see if it'll let me do it. or b)get off my ass and go up to fsc and talk to them. which i have been really wanting to do but the whole lack of wanting to drive has kinda been keeping me from it..

ummm still trying to figure out the final deal with jamies car, my dad is on the case lol. it's been really cute to watch. Jeffy turned 14 a few days ago which was cute. had a b-day party got to meet his obnouxious friend james, but we got to swim and eat really good pizza and cake.

saturday is my cousin brennas 3rd birthday!! i cant believe she is getting so old! they are having a birthday party for her and me and jamie are going. it's so funny how much the kids love him! aw just so cute.

ok well this is long enough and i should go to sleep and im gonna go raid the kitchen for something chocolate... mmmmmm...... so yeah... hope all is well. have a good night!

July 1st, 2008

(no subject)

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I made a habit
Of never making promises
That aren't easy to keep
And there you have it
But now I'm making one that is
To keep you here with me

Cause every second that goes by
I feel is just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying
To hold it all together and
And make it through the day
When I'm just dying
To drop it all and take your hand
So we can run away

From all the miles and the hours
That seem to endlessly devour
The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm literally dying without you here

And every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm dying without you here
Ya every second that goes by
(Ya every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever want to be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

June 22nd, 2008

(no subject)

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And I'm good, good, good to go
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

And I'm good, good, good to go
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit, looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

[chorus]
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

It just hit me this is more then just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

[chorus]

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said 'I miss you son. Come home'
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I'd wished for all the this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told you so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what is my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

June 10th, 2008

(no subject)

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i know i've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that i've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away i'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so i keep bending till i break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away i'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what i need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes i've made along the way
But i always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if i chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

June 2nd, 2008

motion city soundtrack

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Let's get fucked up and die.
I am speaking figuratively of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide.
"Social suicide."

Yeah, so I'm already dead,
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs I have learned to love the lie.

I want to know what its like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I want to know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense,yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club 'cause I want to belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves I'm addicted to words.
And they're useless...in this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode.
I'm about to explode.

I'm a mess I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept,
All my problems and shortcomings 'cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my.
"Forget me nots and marigolds and other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself,
Through other peoples descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...in this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feelings we'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights that still shock and surprise.

I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win. But for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash and my memory lacks
Initiative. Goddamn the liquor store's closed we were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills. I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.

May 15th, 2008

song lyrics

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May 10th, 2008

a song for you to...

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a dollar for every song you can list by name....

it's almost 4 in the morning and i still haven't gotten around to sleeping... my mind wont shut down.. it has a lot to swallow. i hate having to swallow things, i do it to often. maybe thats where all the bad thoughts stem from all the fucking swallowing... well anyways here are some love songs...mmmm love songs....

but just one thing...
dear time,
please pass quickly and help me prove myself not to be a complete fucking bitch. thank you.

May 8th, 2008

so yeah i really dont have much to say thats diffrent from the last entry but my mind is bouncing everywhere and i need to relief sooooo here i am..

yesterday was such a weird day! not talking to armando or brett right now b\c they are both huge fucking assholes and ditched me and that was annyoing as shit. but i got to spend some amazing alone time with jamie which was awesome. me and him are turning out to be better than i could have ever expected. i adoree him! we got in our first disagreement (not fight b\c neither one of us was really like angry or anything and i mean disagreement is a weird word to use also b\c we didnt really disagree its more of we relized we both have some issues with eachother expecially in the trust dept. and we need to work them out.)it was interesting. i think that we resolved it as much as we could and now it's just a matter of letting time pass and proving to eachother we are trust worthy.

oh and i showed him wedding crashers! i love that movie! and i think he really liked it also...god he's adorable! ok stop gushing this is gross. but its better thoughts than i was perviously having sooooo i guess i should take what i can get right?

so i think i might have just been secret shopped... hopefully b\c that would rule i did everything like perfect but im wearing dacias name tag sooo it might get a big confusing...
well i have a bunch of stuff to do for closing and i want to be ready for when alexi finally gets here so yeah peace out girl scouts!
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