hi....

Good Bye, I will miss you always

2009-08-20T07:30:14Z

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been to long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime.
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too.

*******************
It was the first snow of the season
I can almost see you breathing in the middle of that empty street
Sometimes I still see myself in that lonesome bedroom
Playing my guitar and singing songs of hope for a better future

Life is Only As good as the memories we make
And i'm taking back what belongs to me

Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of rememberence are just like shipwrecks
Only theyre gone faster than the smell after it rains

Last night while everyone was sleeping
I drove through my old neighborhood
And resurrected memories from ashes

We said that we would never fit in
When we were really just like them
Does rebellion ever make a difference?

Life is only As good as the memories we make
And im taking back what belongs to me
Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of remembrence are just like shipwrecks
Only theyre gone faster than the smell after it rains

So long Astoria I found a map to buried treasure
And even if we come home empty handed we'll still have our
stories of battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones and all the best of friendships

And when this hourglass has filtered out its final grain of sand
I raise my glass to the memories we had

This is my wish and I'm takin back i'm takin them all back.
***********************
Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down

'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't start
*************
Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know

[bridge]
That this single bed
Was always meant for two
Not just anyone
It was meant for me and you

[chorus]
And now you’re halfway around the world
And I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind

I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know
**********************8
I made a habit
Of never making promises
That aren't easy to keep
And there you have it
But now I'm making one that is
To keep you here with me

Cause every second that goes by
I feel is just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying
To hold it all together and
And make it through the day
When I'm just dying
To drop it all and take your hand
So we can run away

From all the miles and the hours
That seem to endlessly devour
The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm literally dying without you here

And every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm dying without you here
Ya every second that goes by
(Ya every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever want to be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Ataris

2009-07-05T06:43:35Z

Lately I've been feeling
a little bit neglected.
When it comes to your ex-boyfriends,
well, I guess I'm overprotective.
But it's nothing personal
I just wanted you to tell me that you
care.

Lately I've been thinking bout'
stickin' my head in a toaster.
I never asked to take a ride
on this emotional roller-coaster
It's you that I want,
and lately it feels like you're not there.

Lately I've been contemplating
jumping in the ocean.
Sometimes even Spock would show
a little more emotion!
Do you still love me now
as much as you loved me yesterday?

Chorus:
I try to let it out...
I bitch, I cry, moan, whine, scream and
shout today,
but the wall wouldn't listen to me!
Why wouldn't it listen to me?
I'm sick of always cryin'
I don't wanna be sick of trying,
but you've gotta want me too.

Lately I've been hoping for
a little bit of affection.
Sometimes I wish that you had came
with your own set of directions.
I guess it's not that easy,
but I hope that you still love me anyway

Lately I've been thinkin' bout'
takin' a vow of silence.
I've never seen a monk result
in any acts of violence.
Or, maybe I'll just cry
and hope you come around again today.

Let's Go!

Chorus:
I try to let it out...
I bitch, I cry, moan, whine, scream and
shout today,
but the wall wouldn't listen to me!
Why wouldn't it listen to me?
I'm sick of always cryin'
I don't wanna be sick of trying,
but you've gotta want me too.

life

2009-03-26T16:14:46Z

spring break week
Thursday:Amherst
Friday:back from Amherst and went to CT with Jamie for hottub, pizza, lazertag, winning tons of tickets by getting lots of jackpots on arcade shit. twas pretty awesome
Saturday:Heathers 30th birthday party! drank at the skellig and Roberts with the cuzes, had a blast!
Sunday:Something Incredibly
Monday:Fun was done
Tuesday:on all these days
Wensenday:im just hazey on
Thursday:what happened
Friday:when ******
Saturday:Kitty's 20th Birthday Party!!!!
Sunday:
This past Saturday after work me and jamie went to my grandparents 50th anaversary at Unos and had good food and played around with my little brother and then we went to my cousin Gabi's First birthday party up in Lunenburg which was a good time. It was fun smoking and playing rock band with all my cousins.

****
Going to hooka bar with Kitty and Avi and some of his friends and then meeting blake and whitney there and having lots of fun! I love going to the hooka bar, i wish it was closer b\c they are starting to do breakfast and i would go there like every day if they were close.

Also me and Jamie went on a Wicked cute date to jordans furniture in Reading and we walked around and ate at Fudruckers and went and saw Watchmen which was amazing!!!!! I loved it so much i thought it was so well done. Lots of big blue penis i mean come on who wouldnt like that? we had a good time it was very nice. Almost been one year and i still find myself feeling crazyier and crazyier about him by the day. expecially the week of spring break it was truely amazing and i had such a good time getting to spend almost every morning with him. Oh and we decided that we are probably going to get a hooka together for our one year. im sooooooo excited!!!!!!Ive wanted a hooka for so long and i feel like that is just the reason i need to actually get one. Also summer is coming hopefully soon and i would like to be able to lay in the grass and smoke hooka all day. Ive also decided on an incredably romantic thing to do on the day of our one year if it is good weather.

Saint Patricks Day me and jamie and kitty went to bryans house and drank some wicked cool beer as always at bryans. It was a good night but we were all really tired so it ended slightly early. But it was wicked fun.
*************

In other news... me and Alexa (and who ever else would like to help) are writting a movie about the atrium mall. it will be 10 times better than mall cop or anything, it will be more mall rats style.

And speaking of atrium, toady is sergi's last day. I cant beliebe it and i am anxious to know what the new guy will be like.

Also the other day i really spranned my anckel wicked bad and im walking like i am 80 years old which is annyoing though funny to everyone else around me.

well there is plenty more to write about and i know i have left a few things out but i will return to finish them. I am at work right now in the midst of a mailing which is incredably dull and time consuming and i just want to go on break already. so ta ta for now i shall be back and i hope you all have a good day.

lots of lyrics

2009-03-03T17:28:07Z

The Wallflowers lyrics - One Headlight
album: Bringing Down the Horse (1996)

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well, they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
With the long broken arm of human law
Now, it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered why she hung around this place

(CHORUS)
Hey...
Come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all is good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end, it's just her window ledge

(CHORUS)

Well, this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well, it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think your death, it must be killin' me...

Hey, hey, hey
Come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

********************************

she said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give
and I'm a little bit angry, well

this ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around
you don't own me, we might change it
yeah we just might feel good

(CHORUS)
I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

she said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
and I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
you couldn't stand to be near me
when my face don't seem to want to shine
cuz it's a little bit dirty, well

don't just stand there, say nice things to me
cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged, but you
you don't know me, yeah, well I can't change
Well, I won't do anything at all

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

oh but don't bowl me over
just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby, baby

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah
I wanna take you, take you, yeah, well I will
I will, I will, I will, yeah
I will, I will, I will, yeah yeah
push you around, and drag you down
I wanna push you around
Well I will
******

I'm running out of reasons for caring about the other half
I think my half wants a little more pride
I'm running out of reasons for sharing sometimes I can't think of one
I'm running out of faces that I can call familiar
Hey man I'm running out of friends
That I can call at all
How long have I been sleeping, why the hell am I awake
It seems just to stand here is overkill
If I bend any farther, I swear that I'll break
And I think you should let me
It all seems so perfect, yet
Some people, some people get lonely
Some people they just grow older, and scared of a little pain
And we people, we cause a commotion
We didn't mean to be confused, we didn't mean to be alive
And we don't want to be standing here, standing here
How long have we been sleeping, why the hell are we awake
It seems just to stand here is overkill
If I bend any farther, I swear that I'll break
(chorus)
We ask, and we burn what we hear, on the water
And we speak, we burn what we say
But if you hold the rain
It's just a little further
Don't wanna scare you
Don't be unhappy
This is not a lovesong
This is not a lovesong
(chorus)
*****

crazy_leasha @ 2008-10-31T00:54:00

2008-10-31T04:55:19Z

Everything Anyone Ever Wanted To Know About You

The Basic Stuff
Name?: Alicia
Age?: 20
Height?: 5'7
Weight?: why would i tell you that?
Birthday?: dec.27 1987
Birthplace?: Newton MA
Current Location?: ditto
School/Grade?: FSC
Zodiac Sign?: Cap
Chinese Zodiac Sign?: not sure
Righty or Lefty?: Righty
Haircolor?: Dark Brown
Eyecolor?: Hazel
Skin Color?: White
About You
Any Pets?: Yup
If So What Are They?: Dog
Favorite Relative?: I love them all
Least Favorite Relative?: Not saying
Political Affilation?: Democrate?
Love & Sex
Sexuality?: Bi
Are You In A Relationship Now?: YUP <3
If So, With Whom?: Jamie.... <3<3<3
For How Long?: 6 months today!!!!
Are You In Love?: i'd like to think so
Do You Have A Crush On Anyone?: nope
Ever Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?: yup
How Old Were You When You Had Your First Kiss?: 14?
Virgin?: nope
Where Do You Most Like To Be Kissed?: cheek
Best Love Quote?: "i love you"-jamie
Your Friends
Best?: Alexa,Taylor
How Many Do You Have?: lots
More Guys Or Girls?: about =
Love Them All?: more than they could ever know
Any You Wish You Were Closer To?: all of them
Oldest?: Taylor
Newest?: Jenna
Pen Pal?: not at the moment
Friends And Words: Associate Them
Pen: this
Flower: is
Pink: lame
Window: not
Heart: doing
Mother: it
Bread:
Insane:
Sunglasses:
Pimp:
Cross:
Lonely:
Car:
Music:
This Or That
Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
Shorts or Pants?: shorts
Shoes or Barefeet?: depends
Books or Movies?: movies
Night or Day?: day
Dark or Light?: depends
Mountains or Beach?: beach
Snow or Sun?: sun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pepsi or Coke?: pepsi
Guys or Girls?: both
Swim or Surf?: swim
For or Against
Gay Marriage?: for
Abortion?: if you dont like it dont get one
Suicide?: depends
War?: nope
Pants?: depends
Clothes In General?: ditto
Favorites
Color?: Blue
Number?: 37
Holiday?: easter
Season?: Spring\early fall
Movie?: superbad? idk i love lots of movies
Book?: Enders Game i guess
Magazine?: gossip
Food?: mashed potatos\breakfast food
Drink?: sunny delight?
TV Show?: NCIS!
Song?: TO MANY
Band?: Alkaline Trio
Computer Game?: Sims
Video Game?: GTA
Anime/Manga?: idk
Shirt?: darkwing duck
Pants?: levi jeans
Actor?: bruise willis
Actress?: rachel mcadams
Singer?: idk
Flower?: fire roses? i love all flowers
Scent?: apple pie
Animal?: hmmm still in debate
Cookie?: chocolate chip
The Future
Want To Go To College?: been there
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: creative
Want To Get Married?: yes
Want To Have Kids?: yes
What Would Their Names Be?: not saying
How Many?: not sure
Where Do You Want To Live?: MA
Where Do You Want To Get Married?: idk
How Do You Want To Die?: peacefully
More Stuff About You
Piercings?: ears
Tattoos?: not yet
Smoke?: yes
Drink?: once in a while
Skinny Dip?: once
Greatest Fear?: not saying
Chocolate or Vanilla?: chocolate
Go To Church?: no
Religion?: Jew?
Scars?: a few
CDs Owned?: lots
Collections?: stamps?
Like To Be Naked?: if a certin someone is there
Ever Eaten Sushi?: nope
An Entire Case Of Oreos?: no
Been On Stage?: yes
Danced In The Rain?: yes
Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex?: no
Weirdest Dream?: idk
Best Dream?: my house
Saddest Dream?: what i had when i was a kid
Dream You Most Wish Would Come True?: not saying
Shoplifted?: yes
Weirdest Makeout Place?: not saying
Like Thunderstorms?: yes
Favorite Shoes?: sneakers
Favorite Quote?: "in the end everythings ok and if it isnt than its not the end"
Best Advice Given?: idk
Worst Advice Given?: idk
Favorite Song Lyric?: idk
What Quote Says Most About Your Life?: idk
Glad This Is Over?: yes

Fill out this survey yourself
Find a different survey
Brought to you by Bzoink

crazy_leasha @ 2008-10-27T00:52:00

2008-10-27T05:32:49Z

well its been a while since ive been here... lots of fun stuff has happened. went to maine with kitty, alexa and bryan that was pretty awesome. HRAC is good, im gonna make some posters for the meeting when we are in the CC should be fun but i should talk to jamie about what exactly i should put on them.. i was just watching that show on tlc where those christan people have 18 kids and none of them will hold hands with someone untill they are engagged it's really amusing. god im really hungry which is good b\c i havent been really hungry in days ugh. anyways so since friday morning my mind has been on explosive overdrive. not sure if its just me being me or am i a psychopath or maybe have some sort of weird medical disorder house type shit. i just typed this instead of shit... must be more tired than i know. all i know is that it makes me really not want to be around people right now b\c i want to figure things out and i dont really talk with other people about this shit b\c all it is is something to keep me up at night. i just wish i could not be such a fuckup, i wish i had more things in my life under control or the strength to feel like i could move towards that in a reasonable amount of time, but that would mean having self control and that really is not one of my strong points. though i know i can do it if i tried b\c i totally studied my ass off for my midterm and i believe i only got 3 questions wrong. im just worried about when i hit a class thats harder and requires real work or paper writting b\c i cant do that for my life. i think what really frustrates me is that i cant even bring myself to make enough of something i make to sell it and make some money which is what i would like to do. god i hate my head and the fucked up shit that likes to roam around in it. right now i feel like i cant live with myself and wonder how i do. i wonder how long it will take to make this feeling go away, maybe i shouldnt make it go away maybe i should just fix something for once... i dont understand how people do it, how people resist. maybe i should go soul searching. sit in the woods for a few hours on a rock and maybe make a plan.. damn this being lazy! and i hate this complete paranoia b\c it just makes me so self conious of every breath i take that i dont want to take anymore. anyways i still need to find a dentist, another thing i am lazy about mostly b\c of fear. i guess that fear really is my biggest problem it really does keep me from doing so many things, so many everyday things that everyone else seems to have no problem with. ugh this whole writting about my feelings thing is getting me more worked up than i really want to be b\c i really just want to go to sleep and make this week be over with and listen to jamie tell me he loves me and love him back the best i can. i need to buy some little weights b\c i decided i was tired of armflab. random. anyways i really love jamie so much. 3 days till we have been dating for 6 months!!!!!!! wooohooo! i dont know what i would do w\o him and right now im thinking about how im dying to have him here b\c this horrible ache would not be as bad if he were presant and i would most likly be fast asleep. and if i wasnt it wouldnt be b\c i couldnt sleep b\c im losing my mind it would probably be from not being able to keep my hands to myself, which recently im not sure he has been liking as much as i would like him to but idk... could just be the paranoia. i would text him right now if i thought that he wasnt sleeping also and if i thought it would do any good or that i could actually explain the shit spinning around my head but sadly this is the closest i could\have ever come to explaining saying the words outloud would kill me. ugh so anyways i went out to dinner with alexa and jamie tonight which was lots of fun! been a long time since ive done that and im sad that we blanked on calling bryan to come b\c i really miss going there with alexa and bryan. ugh i really want to stop thinking about any relationships i have with anyone right now b\c it is really messing with my head. i really dont know what to do.

blahmurgmehwahickblah

2008-09-26T14:40:51Z

hmmmm well i have been meaning to write here for weeks now. but it has been one of the things i havent been able to bring myself to do untill now. and now b\c there are so many more things i cant bring myself to be doing right now so maybe this will help me figure out exactly why that is. ugh even sitting here trying to write this i just keeps staring at it and being like ugh i cant do this. but ok im gonna try and start from the beginning..

i now take a history class at fsc, western civ since the renessance.. and i kinda made a friend but the second class i kinda got ditched b\c there was a girl she knew in the class, and she kinda annoys me and i came right at the start of class so there was no seat next to them but w\e. class is really good. incredably easy... and i mean it. which i guess is ok for my first class back but i do wish it was just slightly more challenging... (wow never thought id say that)anyways so yeah its good but i didnt go last week so i need to get the notes from angie which will give me another chance to talk to her which will be cool.

anyways so last week i didnt go to class. there was just to much pressure and to much to do and to many bad thoughts and way to much traffic. ended up chilling with bryan in stead. that was cool. but i was disapointed in myself for not going to class b\c i really do like going there its pretty awesome. but recently ive just been falling into this weird ass depression which is keeping me from doing alot of the things that i need to be doing, such as cleaning my room\doing laundry ive needed to do it for a while now but i just cant. also cleaning my car. and bothering to wear anything but jeans and t-shirts, along with shaving. these are all stupid little things that i really need to do but i just sit there and stare at them and just cnat bring myself to get up. so instead what ive been trying to do is just stay in bed as much as possible and watch tv. also ive been having crazy crazy crazy ass dreams every night like my head is trying despratly to figure things out but everynight there just seems to be more. i think i get my insurance back on the 1st and so i can get back onto my anticrazy pills which will be a big relief hopefully. maybe it will stop the almost constant crying over something or other. but i almost want to blame that on the fact that it was that time again and maybe im moody?? ugh there is justin brb

so justin just left, he spent like 10 minutes up here with me making sarcastic comments and shit. maybe i should stop doing that but he never really seems to care. i got paid today!!! yey!! though idk why i care it all goes to bills anyways. though yesterday i took my new creditcard and bought myself 2 toys, one was a peice b\c i smashed mine that morning on the brick when i forgot it was in my lap. that kinda sucked b\ci really liked that one but i mean its all good really the one i got is pretty cool to it has a froggie on it and looks amazing when it fills with smoke. yesterday was really relaxing morning. something i had def been needing but wishing i could have been sitting out front while waiting for someone but meh maybe that can come back on break.

so i have been debating about where i want my life to go. ive finally figured out that i just want to do something where i can be creative everyday all day pref. and i think i would like to go into design of anything(partys, rooms, houses, offices, logos, websites, ect) and just be really freelance anything creative. so i decided that i need to go back to school to probably get a degree in design and maybe dubble minor in buisness and fashion. who would have ever thought i would be one of those fashion chicks.... ick. anyways so as for a job i had been debating between staying at atrium and trying to go to school full time prob at massbay next semester or finding a job as a secratrey in a perfect world with someone who does something design related but it can really be anywhere and doing 2 night classes a semester which i decided would be the better rt as to not feel completly overwhelmed and fail again and shit. the only thing is 1. how the hell do i go about finding design firms 2. this prob means i have to stop smoking pot for a few weeks so i can pass drug tests if need be. but this is really all being put on hold b\c i cant even do my laundry never mind really fucking try to make a major improvement in my life.

ok i think this is long enough and i want to go play solitare and daydream or something. i mean really go do anything that will make it so i can get the fuck out of here and go home. there is more that i need to write but i'll save that for another time..
peace

Belgium

2008-09-10T05:18:56Z

Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know

[bridge]
That this single bed
Was always meant for two
Not just anyone
It was meant for me and you

[chorus]
And now you’re halfway around the world
And I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind

I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know

imagenary sex and icecream adventures

2008-08-21T15:33:08Z

well things have been really really fun the past few days. lets start where my other entry took off... woth smoothie planet. well after we went there on the way home we had a really good talk and it was nice... he loves me who knew??? lol. anyways sooo the next day we had imagenary sex twice(not quite as good as real sex, but def not bad lol) then we went on " an icecream adventure" i.e. we were going to drive around and find a nice little icecream place but it was late and they were prob all closing so we settled on going to a friendlys we dont normally go to. ate icecream on my car and snuggled. then i took him to crystal lake and we sat and talked and cuddled some more and these teens who were totally coming to smoke a joint like walk right past us and didnt know we were there and one of them went to pee like next to us so i just started laughing and she finally noticed us and went back to wisper to her friends that we were there even though they were like literally 7ft away from us and it was stupid. then the cops drove by and we just made out untill they went away which was fun. but yeah once again we had a really really good talk and it was so nice. if i wasnt in love with him before there would be no way not to be at this point. anyways it gets better. next day i went to pick him up and we hung out at his house for a while and had a good time. then we went back to my house and had more of a good time, ate bagles mmmmmmmmmm bagels. spent the whole day in bed. oh and made a kick ass tent which i am so excited to do dirty things in it's not even funny. anyways when we finally said we cant be in bed anylonger we went to mcdonalds and got some food and i took him to the top of the parkinggarage where i had had my party and we ate food and watched the sunset and i got him to dance and it was amazing and there was a cloud that looked exactly like a heart and was bright pink from the sunset and it was so amazing, i wanted to take a picture but i decided that i would prob always remember it and it is probably better that way. so yeah then like i said we danced and then spred out a blanket and watched the sun finish setting and then yet again danced a bit more. though i think the combo of dancing and crappy food made me not feel to well by the end of the night but that was fine. then we went to alexa's house and smoked (well i did, he was a good boy and didnt, im really proud of him) and we all sat around and talked and played videogames. tons of fun!

so yeah that has been the past few days and they're amazingnesss. this weekend we will prob go see the starwars movie. which should be ok.
also other things that i really need to do...
go to fsc with mommy to do shit
clean my room
call kitty
call other variouos friends before it's to late and im pissed at myself.
dont get discouraged
go to dads
make cd's
go to ac moore\savors
get drunk
eat good food
go to the beach
go toNH
got to maine
do yoga before my back dies
take care of myself
bake something pref cupcakes but settle for brownies
love jamie

ok im gonna go play solitare it only took me an hour to load...
peace

crazy_leasha @ 2008-08-19T08:23:00

2008-08-19T12:24:24Z

I am heaven sent.
Don’t you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told, I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars,
I am the cause to all your problems.
Shelter from cold.
We are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth,
Then ask me what its like to have my self so figured out.
Wish I knew.

I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are,
With whoever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore.
Hope you come down with something they can’t diagnose,
Don’t have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge,
Oh it’s so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard,
Cause you can’t keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe... in us.

Oh we're so c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue’s the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart.
And it’s all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe... in us.

This is the grace only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend.
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you’re alone.
This is the rise and the fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now we’re throwing the fight.
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe,
I just want to believe... in us.

well i went to fsc today, they told me i either need to re apply or i can take the night classes, i really want to be a real student there but i really dont want to have to re apply. i honestly dont think they would take me back. but i cant say i blame them. i just want to cry, in fact i did, and it was annoying. if i hadn't had Jamie there i think i would have just completely lost it. i love him, but anyways. recently i just dont know whats wrong with me. i think im fine i feel basically fine there is nothing for me to not feel good about really but i keep doing things that yell im not ok and so im just confused and thinking my body is fucking plotting against me and idk why.but the past few days ive just felt this intense craving for something but have no idea what it is and i know once i figure it out i'll be fine but it's figuring it out thats the problem. ive been trying to sit and look threw my special stuff as some sort of past soul search that i feel maybe will help but i wont know untill i do it and there are a million things i really would like to be doing right now but when ever i get the time to do them ive found myself just to depressed to really deal with it.which makes it worse. i just want my fucking insurance back so i can get back on not crazy pills b\c that could be a big part of it. but hone as of recently my relationships with the people in my life have finally become almost really good and almost well balanced, expecially with my family. so speaking of well balanced i think i need to start not bugging jamie as much about things. idk i just feel like a cunt. this weekend shit went down between us but i think it's fine now. i was just jealous of the convention i think, and im a bitch and let it get the best of me. but w\e we spent the day together today and had fun which was cool, he took me for bagels and i took him for a smoothie, oh and planet smoothie isnt as planet smoothieish really it's just a cover for weird ass shit, but from the few sips i stole it was pretty good i guess. so yeah idk the past few days ive just been really down on myself about myself and i just wish i had something that would either just get me off my ass or shoot me or just tell me that im crazy and all the shit in my head is bullshit. oh speaking of bullshit work is being that right now. barg! i want more brownie, even though they are undercooked. maybe i'll make icecream brownie sundaes or something tomorrow b\c jamie said that would be good and i cant help but agree. oh and we got bagels to bring home today so im totally making some tomorrow morning to bring to work! mmmmmmm soooooo ggoooooodddddddd!!!!! ok here are more lyrics for you. peace out yo.

I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared too
For some reason right now, of everything but you
Right now you're all that I recognize
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

You know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold
Kiss me once in the snow, I swear it never gets old
And I will promise you I can make it warmer next year
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I stay here, and everyday I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

2008-08-05T04:52:09Z

Well i officially have the best BF in the whole world!

let me expain, starting from about a day ago...

well we got in this weird fight thing, and ever since then he has been so incredably loving in the exact way i want him to be loving. saying the right things at the right time. absolutely perfect to be exact. and he brought me coffee that he had made which is the best coffee ever which i hadn't had in a while and it was just so sweet. and today he came over and we had our fun and then he was all i have a gift for you... and then gave me the most perfect ring ever, it's a calladah ring with a blue topaz stone and it is better than what i had wanted and much earlier than i had expected it and it was actually made in Ireland and it totally had a energy force to it which is just wow.and gave me this incredibly loving and heartfelt speech and then proceeded to say and do more perfect things.which just completely melted my heart, and really put some faith in me.he gave me back that bit of trust and beauty that our relationship had lost for a moment. but now i just feel loved like ive never been loved before and i really just wanted to tell him that all day long, he makes me want to be better and thats awesome and something amazing and no matter what just always wanting to do the same for him. god soo gay but it feels oh so very good. then we went out for bagels for lunch (which were better than sex, which is saying something) and we stopped in to see Rodrigo and he got us free coffee and the lady at the counter was like ummm do you want decaf... and i was like ummm why would i want that? and she was like.. b\c your pregnant...??? and i was like WTF MAN THATS NOT COOL! but it was really funny, and everyone got a good tease out of it. especially jamie of course which was cute that he handled it in stride. then we ate with Rodrigo which was also amazing.. it was so nice to see him and catch up. i missed him so much!!! and then we went to drive alexa to work which was awesome b\c i had been thinking about her and needing to see her and talk about things and so driving her was nice even if it was to boston. and then we went home and got hassled by markie about shit which was meh and then we went and saw batman finally!!!! but my car battery died right before we were gonna leave and it was just more of a bitch than anything. but we made it and it was a wicked good movie but just combined with everything else it made me kinda sad but totally worth it. also there were a million cops out tonight, very strange.

so yeah never been so in love before and it really is amazing.
im gonna go stare at my ring some more... doubt i'll be doing anything else for a while to come.

peace

Life Update

2008-07-24T06:08:58Z

well... not to much has been going on in my life but just enough to write about.

well lets start with the first thing that has been pulling on my mind, soo a few weeks ago Jamies ex started working at his store again, and he didnt tell me. Not only did he not tell me but he purposely kept it from me, and not just for a few days or something but weeks and pretty much flawlessly at that. and that is why this is pulling on my mind, i wouldnt have given it a second thought if he had told me in a perfect world when he found out himself, but even when she actually started would have been good. also it made a total hypocrite out of him, do you know how much he would be freaking out right now if i did this to him? and just the way he acted about the whole thing when i confronted him about it was just entirely to sketchy and guilty boyfriendness which is what hurt i think, the fact that from the first second this started he has just been continueously on ive been a bad bf mode (sucking up and being cute more than normal, bringing me a flower, ect. not that it hasnt been nice)i think what im trying to say is that his actions are making me be like wow this was such a bigger deal than i had ever thought it would have been and wtf, or something.and he asked wheather or not i trusted him still and i told him i did, and i do, but i was wrong it has been harder to really trust him and i think that is what is driving me nuts b\c i really dont want to not trust him.

anyways....

been working a bit more, gonna be working pretty much full time starting next month for a few months. should be cool help get me the fuck out of debt and maybe make me feel like i can leave the house again.

thats another thing. so ive barely left my house recently, have barely any urge\want to drive anywhere, as a result ive basically been trying to get jamie to drive my car everywhere, been letting him take it home with him a few nights a week. i mean yes i was crazy about driving for so long but it's just to much stress now and i just cant bring myself to enjoy it or want to do it. expecially with all the rain recently.

got a new tv and already almost broke it. im good like that..

the past few days have been very very good for personal growth. i feel like i have been thinking very constructively recently and really accepting alot of things about myself and trying to improve other things. ive really been thinking about what people mean to me and how i can show them that and how much i just want to go and hug them and tell them that. i even decided to make my dad a really gay cd b\c he deserves it or something... im honestly starting to be kinda happy with myself. jamie has really brought back out this softer side to me that i had really missed. i just wish i wasnt poor and could go do all the things that i want to do for people.. and thats the thing if i cant do what i want to do with people i feel like it's been hard for me to go out and see them. i dont want to be a bitch and put limits on things and have to worry about things and it's all been just to stressful recently. thats why i cant wait untill i start working full time and can finally actually start paying off some shit and having some money to spend and life being ok again. though not to say it hasnt been nice hiding in my house. after doing sooo much and being out so often its nice to just sit at home for a while. expecially with jamie b\c we just have so much fun together doing it, he really does just fit me really well and just always makes me so happy i can never get enough.

another thing on personal growth, i really really wanna go back to fsc this fall, prob only for one class b\c i'll be working till 4 everyday for the first 2 months of the semester but i feel like that is def ok and a good way to get back into it. jamie also showed me this class called drug addiction that is in the perfect timeslot and i thought that was really cool and i want to take it. it honestly would be really good to be back at fsc, i feel like last time i just wasnt ready for it and it was the wrong situation but now things have changed and ive really grown and it might be time to go back. fucking scary, well anyways this is all based on my ability to either a)get jamie to show me how to log onto the website you can registar for classes on and see if it'll let me do it. or b)get off my ass and go up to fsc and talk to them. which i have been really wanting to do but the whole lack of wanting to drive has kinda been keeping me from it..

ummm still trying to figure out the final deal with jamies car, my dad is on the case lol. it's been really cute to watch. Jeffy turned 14 a few days ago which was cute. had a b-day party got to meet his obnouxious friend james, but we got to swim and eat really good pizza and cake.

saturday is my cousin brennas 3rd birthday!! i cant believe she is getting so old! they are having a birthday party for her and me and jamie are going. it's so funny how much the kids love him! aw just so cute.

ok well this is long enough and i should go to sleep and im gonna go raid the kitchen for something chocolate... mmmmmm...... so yeah... hope all is well. have a good night!

crazy_leasha @ 2008-07-01T19:10:00

2008-07-01T23:11:24Z

I made a habit
Of never making promises
That aren't easy to keep
And there you have it
But now I'm making one that is
To keep you here with me

Cause every second that goes by
I feel is just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying
To hold it all together and
And make it through the day
When I'm just dying
To drop it all and take your hand
So we can run away

From all the miles and the hours
That seem to endlessly devour
The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard to spend these days without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm literally dying without you here

And every second that goes by
Is one more second off my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm dying without you here
Ya every second that goes by
(Ya every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever want to be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

crazy_leasha @ 2008-06-22T15:25:00

2008-06-22T19:26:08Z

And I'm good, good, good to go
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

And I'm good, good, good to go
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit, looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

[chorus]
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

It just hit me this is more then just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

[chorus]

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said 'I miss you son. Come home'
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I'd wished for all the this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told you so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what is my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

crazy_leasha @ 2008-06-10T10:37:00

2008-06-10T14:48:57Z

i know i've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that i've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away i'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so i keep bending till i break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away i'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what i need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes i've made along the way
But i always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if i chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

motion city soundtrack

2008-06-02T06:42:37Z

Let's get fucked up and die.
I am speaking figuratively of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide.
"Social suicide."

Yeah, so I'm already dead,
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs I have learned to love the lie.

I want to know what its like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I want to know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense,yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club 'cause I want to belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves I'm addicted to words.
And they're useless...in this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode.
I'm about to explode.

I'm a mess I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept,
All my problems and shortcomings 'cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my.
"Forget me nots and marigolds and other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself,
Through other peoples descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...in this department.

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feelings we'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights that still shock and surprise.

I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win. But for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash and my memory lacks
Initiative. Goddamn the liquor store's closed we were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills. I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.

blah (bitching and random life update)

2008-05-29T15:56:01Z

at work. blah blah blah blah blah.

so today i woke up at 940... suppose to be at work at 945... and today all the stupid corporate people are lurking around all day which means i prob shouldnt be on here right now but justin said they are all down the st and he is gone so i figure there really is no danger at the presant time.

so today is a bad day so far...
woke up late.
feel more like shit than i have in the past few days
woke up to find out im not pregnant! yey?
only have 3 cigs left... ugh
and god knows what else the world will decided to do to me today.

last night alexa had a left over boose party. it was fun! i had a good time. smoked to much pot but since when is that something new. though after the party i was hanging with jamie and we were in the back of my car and i just completely passed out on him.... like 5 times... i literally could not keep my eyes open i felt wicked bad.... still feel bad. so yeah ugh.

so speaking of jamie...
things are going pretty awesome between us. we have a really good communication thing going on so there really has not been any major problems. introduced him to the Malkofsky's the other day, they loved him! it was awesome i had the best day ever! i really havent had such a good time with my family in so long and i feel like jamie was the main reason that happened... oh and i also was told to start selling drugs at family events which i think is hysterical! but thats not the point. oh ok so during the cookout me, jamie, adrienne and markie went to the packie and to get cigs and there was a 50cent claw game thing there and markie won and jamie like freaked out and thought it was the best thing he had ever seen or something and it was just sooooooo funny, adrienne was on the floor dying of laughter it was awesome!!!so then we all go back to the cookout and my cousin markie was giving the monkey he won to my cousin anthony and anthony really didnt like the monkey and markie kinda holds it and looks at it with this sad face and hands it to him one more time being like..... but.... it's a very special monkey.... and i just laughed wicked fucking hard from across the yard and it was awesome! and then me, jamie, adrienne and kenny went and smoked on this bridge by their house and there was this woman walking her dog and adrienne freaked out and started like inspecting the bridge so it would look like she was doing something besides what she was really doing and we all made fun of her! it was cute, we even wrote on the bridge 'stoner inspected, good craftsmanship'... idk it was hysterical while we were there.

random interjection, someone in the mall just yelled something really loud about herpes..... gotta love the atrium...

anyways...so as my brother and rest of the family was leaving the party my brother was saying goodbye to me and jamie and goes up to jamie and is like dude it was nice seeing you again we'll prob chill soon and if she comes home pregnant i'll kill you.... and me jamie and my cousin tracy just fucking died it was the best thing i had ever heard just the way he said it we were all like omg... i love my brother...

so back to rambling about how awesome jamie is and how much my i and my family love him... i came home from work on tuesday and went to sleep and when my mom got home she woke me up and is like where is my second child... i was like oh.. um he's on his way dont worry. it was cuuuuutttteeee! things really are going so well and i really am so happy. right now i feel kinda cunty and like im not doing a good enough job of being a good gf to him or something like that but maybe i'll plan something gay for friday to be like look gay! yeah..... oh didnt mention that yet... um tomorrow is me and jamies one month!!! wooohooo! time fucking flew by i still cant believe it... i cant wait for next month that should be fun... well honestly im still just kinda scared even though i know i have really no reason to be... idk ugh i just hate that pulling at your gut feeling expecially when you know it's not warented at all...

oh and i decided that borders is a bitter place... just thought i should throw that out there.

well wow writing this killed a good hour... cant believe it's almost noon! maybe today wont be so bad after all...expecially since now im starting to get my voice back and i dont sound like someone who just like died and then was brought back to life, died again, and then got punched in the throat and brought back to life again.... yeah.....

i wonder if tay is working today... if he is i hope he stops by the desk. he did last time it was really nice.

ok since this is like almost the size of a book anyways im just gonna keep going. so this whole jamie, me , cigs, quiting thing.... yeah umm.. fuck. he really hates me smoking, and i dont blame him one bit. but i love it so much... and yes i agree i do prob smoke to much but damn i love it... it makes me feel like such a bitch, b\c i am such a bitch but ugh!! i hope he doesnt freak out b\c im willing to go along and at least cut down but i dont do anything i am told to do w\o a fight anyways i just hope my rebelion doesnt turn into a real fight or something... idk.

i miss him, i want him to call already so i can hear his voice....(gags on soooo much gay it's not even funny) there is a part of me that really wants to continue the fight to not let this thing take complete control over my life and then there is a part of me that knows that if i do continue it's gonna cause alot of shit... but im still not ready to 100% surrender yet... and i just want to hit myself for using the word surrender... is it really that? do i really have to if it is that? idk... ugh. i just love him that should be good enough right?right?...??????? here is hoping.

ok im gonna go drink my tea and hopefully not die a bit and hopefully get a call from a boy and maybe see if i can hack my way onto facebook and hope the day continues to fly by so i can go the fuck home already!

peace out girl scouts!!

song lyrics

2008-05-15T14:27:34Z

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown how
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake (yeah)
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape
**
And won’t you think I’m pretty
When I’m standing top the bright lit city
And I’ll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there so you can see
As long as you’re alive and care
I promise I will take you there
And we’ll drink and dance the night away
We’ll drink and dance the night away
**
Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now
What she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't even act like I was mad.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that.

That's like just last year on my birthday
She lost all track of time and burnt the cake
And every smoke detector in the house was going off
And she was just about to cry until I took her in my arms
And I tried not to let her see me laugh.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that.

I know she's not perfect
But she tries so hard for me
And I thank God that she isn't
'Cause how boring would that be
It's the little imperfections
It's the sudden change of plans
When she misreads the directions
And we're lost but holding hands.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that.

--- Instrumental ---

When she's laying on my shoulder
On the sofa in the dark
And about the time she falls asleep
So does my right arm
And I want so bad to move it
'Cause it's tingling and it's numb
She looks so much like an angel
That I don't want to wake her up.
Yeah, I live for little moments.

When she steals my heart again
And doesn't even know it.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that...

a song for you to...

2008-05-10T07:52:17Z

sitting here alone on some idle Thursday night.
missing you like crazy
your whats on my mind
thinking about the last time i saw your face
the last words you said to me
the expression on your face

chorus
wondering what your thinking about tonight
am i one of the important things on your mind?
wondering when you will hold me tight
how far in love are you tonight?

wishing i had your picture on my wall
re-reading your note again
it's at least the millionth time
remembering the phone call
the disappointment in your voice
i didn't want to disappoint you
but i had no choice

repeat chorus

watching threw my ears
and listening threw my eyes
trying to avoid your gaze
so i can keep my sight
the summers gone
the leaves are laying on the ground
im laying next to you wondering....

repeat chorus
****
I've got emotion dripping out my pours and I thought I would let you know.
You are the night light, ripping through my wicked world.
How you make it sparkle and glow.
Before I lose control, there's just one thing you should know...

This is for real. This time I mean it, I'm coming clean. Please don't let go.
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it.
I'd prefer that you keep it. Don't let go. Don't let go. Don't let go.

I had some nightmares, clawing at my skin and bones. I nearly did explode.
You smoked the demons, gave me back my feelings, now I am good to go.
Before my face hits the floor, there's just one thing you should know...

This is for real. This time I mean it, I'm coming clean. Please don't let go.
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it.
I'd prefer that you keep it. Don't let go.

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.

For a physical challenge, I'm notoriously bored.
Intravenous delivery, electrolytes and more.
Every time it's the same routine, out with the bad, in with the clean.
Before I lose all motor skills, there's one thing you should know...

This is for real. This time I mean it, I'm coming clean. Please don't let go.
I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it.
I'd prefer that you keep it. Don't let go.

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.
******
I... think
It’s getting to the point where I can be myself again
(I... think)
It’s getting to the point where we have almost made amends
I...think
It’s the getting to the point that is the hardest part

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you cause this disaster
I’ll point you home
I’ll point you home

You... think
I only think about you when were both in the same room
(You... think)
I’m only here to witness the remains of love exhumed
You... think
We here to play the game of who loves more then who

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you cause this disaster

You... think
It’s only fair to do what’s best you and you alone
(You... think)
It’s only fair to do the same to me when your not home
I... think
It’s time to make this something that is more then only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
If you cause this disaster, I’ll point you home

But I’m warning you, don’t ever do
Those crazy messed up things that you do
If you ever do, I promise you
I’ll be the first to crucify you
Now its time to prove that you’ve come back here

To rebuild (x11)
*****
Been on top of the world since about six months ago,
Marking the first time I laid eyes on you.
I lost all train of thought as I entered the room,
Saw what looked like really good food then I saw you and so did you.

I wanna wake up naked next to you,
Kissing the curve in your clavicle.
Kissing your clavicle.

Been on top of the world since about 1 week ago,
Marking a time when I was drunk enough to talk to you.
I lost all train of thought as your eyes met mine,
Told you I thought you were gorgeous, you gave me your phone number I gave you mine.
Before you left I said that you can bet I'll be bothering you soon
You said "No bother, please do"

I've called you twice
It's been a hellish fight to not think about you all the time
Sitting around waiting for your call

I wanna wake up naked next to you,
Kissing the curve in your clavicle.
Kissing your clavicle.

I wanna wake up naked next to you,
Kissing the curve in your clavicle.
***

a dollar for every song you can list by name....

it's almost 4 in the morning and i still haven't gotten around to sleeping... my mind wont shut down.. it has a lot to swallow. i hate having to swallow things, i do it to often. maybe thats where all the bad thoughts stem from all the fucking swallowing... well anyways here are some love songs...mmmm love songs....

but just one thing...
dear time,
please pass quickly and help me prove myself not to be a complete fucking bitch. thank you.

this is stupid, but so is your face

2008-05-08T18:19:42Z

so yeah i really dont have much to say thats diffrent from the last entry but my mind is bouncing everywhere and i need to relief sooooo here i am..

yesterday was such a weird day! not talking to armando or brett right now b\c they are both huge fucking assholes and ditched me and that was annyoing as shit. but i got to spend some amazing alone time with jamie which was awesome. me and him are turning out to be better than i could have ever expected. i adoree him! we got in our first disagreement (not fight b\c neither one of us was really like angry or anything and i mean disagreement is a weird word to use also b\c we didnt really disagree its more of we relized we both have some issues with eachother expecially in the trust dept. and we need to work them out.)it was interesting. i think that we resolved it as much as we could and now it's just a matter of letting time pass and proving to eachother we are trust worthy.

oh and i showed him wedding crashers! i love that movie! and i think he really liked it also...god he's adorable! ok stop gushing this is gross. but its better thoughts than i was perviously having sooooo i guess i should take what i can get right?

so i think i might have just been secret shopped... hopefully b\c that would rule i did everything like perfect but im wearing dacias name tag sooo it might get a big confusing...
well i have a bunch of stuff to do for closing and i want to be ready for when alexi finally gets here so yeah peace out girl scouts!

here is to discouragement in people

2008-05-07T14:52:28Z

welllllll people tend to scare me more and more as i get to know them. I dont understand how people can just completly not value the people in their lives. it honestly makes me sick thinking about it. why cant you just love someone or just be friends with someone and every 5 seconds not be taking them for granted... i mean you know if they would give you the world why always shove it in their face? idk people just get to me sometimes....

on a good note...
Jamie is good. very good. i spent yesterday with him... it was one of those days where the hours slipped by again.... like literally we were in the woods and it was almost sunset and then we looked around and it was pitch black! so we went back to the car and made sure that we didnt get any bugs on us and then next thing we know it's fucking midnight! so yeah needless to say that was cool. i think me and jamie really need to work on trust. i think it's the one really prominent lacking point for both of us... him b\c he thinks im this gossip slut slut or w\e and me b\c in the back of my mind i cant help but think that the same thing he did to tracy he will do to me and that sucks to say the least... but other than that things are great i think. we really have this nice connection that is almost flowing, and i say almost only b\c we havent fucked yet and i feel like once that happens the connection is gonna get wicked cool.

on a not as good note...
my head has been being my head recently.... just a few thought that are to painful floating around my head... i mean it's normal i guess it's nothing i cant handle its more of an annyoance that brings me down a bit. but what can i do? ok now im getting kinda upset and im gonna go... bye

from an anti drug site

2007-02-27T00:02:15Z

Usually smoked as a cigarette or joint, or in a pipe or bong, marijuana has appeared in "blunts" in recent years. These are cigars that have been emptied of tobacco and re-filled with marijuana, sometimes in combination with another drug, such as crack. Some users also mix marijuana into foods or use it to brew tea.

i didnt make this up.... if you would like to see the whole article go here...

http://www.theantidrug.com/drug_info/drug-info-marijuana.asp

crazy_leasha @ 2006-11-13T22:05:00

2006-11-14T03:05:07Z